I started this blog to record Baby Girl’s life. I wanted to remember each and every day, each detail of her life – I have so few memories of my childhood that I wanted a platform for Baby Girl to recall memories of her own childhood. Especially since she is an only child, there won’t be any siblings to bounce memories off of.
But, this blog quickly became about me exercising my demons (so to speak). And in a way that’s okay – Baby Girl will truly know who I am. And very often, if fears or insecurities or anything is passed onto the next generation, understanding where these fears or insecurities come from is half the battle in walking beyond them.
And often I ask myself, “Why?”
Why have I gone through all? And this is how I tend to think of it: some people are born with strong personalities. From the get-go, they know what they want in life and what they’re going to do to get it. Others are born with softer personalities that need to be nurtured and taken care of – these are usually your more sensitive individuals and are more easily influenced by outside forces. And then you get those that are born blank slates – their personalities develop over time from their families, life experiences, etc. I was in this latter category. I was a blank slate – I was this insecure, sensitive little girl who, I think, from the word go had to develop my personality in life. I have no problem with that – I think we worship a God who is creative.
However, I was born into dysfunctional family with a dominant mother figure and an absent father figure. And this dominant mother figure controlled and bullied every aspect of my life. And this only loaned itself even more to me developing anxiety issues.
It has taken me a long, long time to realise that God did not create us to be anxious.