And God Happened.
I have not blogged in a very long time. The reason is simple. I just don’t feel led in that direction anymore. For my writing to take on a certain fervour; I have to be angry about something. And over the last couple of months, years, I have been in a good space. So, no anger means no writing. Is that good? Or bad? I am not sure…
While I still battle with my thoughts and worry about getting anxious and going back to that place of falling down the well, I am in such a good space right now, that hubby and I even went away – just the two of us – a weekend or two ago. And it was amazing. I mean, how can I allow anxiety to keep me from that?
Anyway, I have just finished reading Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life, and it is brilliant. To be honest, a lot of it was way above my understanding, but I got the gist of what he was saying. Mostly…
However, what intrigued me right at the end was him getting a special pen and using this pen to answer an internal dialogue with himself. Interesting. For example, he would ask how he should treat his wife and then answer himself.
So, I did something similar – verbally – in the car on the way to work this morning.
And it is rather interesting and revealing:
- What is my purpose? My purpose is to love my husband and daughter well. To let them glimpse Christ living in me.
- How do I achieve that? For my husband, it is to make love to him as often as possible – to let him feel loved, and to let him see Christ’s love in my life.
- And how do I achieve that? By reaching beyond tiredness and disinterest, and making love to him anyway. Even, but perhaps especially, when I don’t feel like it.
- What is my goal for myself? To live in love and peace – to live Christ without saying a word; to act to and react towards life in peace. To focus on my health and fitness and to eat appropriately for who God created me to be.
- What do I want to teach my daughter? Tenacity and strength comes through the gifts God has given to us.
- How do I want to prepare her for her future? By giving her a safe base, a loving home and a faith and trust in God for every day of the future.
- What do I want to do when Baby Girl leaves home? I want to run, and enjoy fitness and exercise and being outside. I spent way too many days of my youth hiding inside. And I want to travel with my husband and experience different sides of life. I have spent way too much time of my adult life hiding in fear and anxiety to not truly live life when I can. I want to eat in as many cafe’s and little restaurants as I can without fear and anxiety – to truly taste life at its best. I want to read and learn and grow as a person. I want to enjoy Baby Girl’s life and set her free to spread her wings and let her know we’re always there for her. I also want to learn how to knit and bake, and cook really good food. I want a herb garden and a swimming pool.
- What example do I want to set? There are so many families divorcing and just giving up. And I want others to see what it is that Christ can do, for us and for them. Also, want to set an example of trust, faith and peace and to literally live these out in my own life and to learn to react to life – and whatever life may throw my way – in trust, faith and peace (knowing that ultimately, God is always in control).
I want to get to the point of someone saying to me, “Baby Mama, what happened? You used to be so tense and so anxious, and so fearful, and now you’re strong, and so peaceful. What happened?”
Or, “Baby Mama, what happened? You used to hate exercising and used to eat everything in sight to stuff this fear down and now look at you… you’ve lost weight, your glowing, you look healthy – what happened?”
Or, “Baby Mama, you used to be snide, and weak, and pathetic, like a caged animal, when it came to dealing with others, and now you extend grace and kindness to all you meet. What happened?”
You see, God offered me His peace and His grace and His way of living life, and I said yes.
I said, oh hell, yes!!!!
I am so tired of living in negativity and anxiety and fear and missing out on this beautiful life God has given me. And because I said yes, God said yes to me. It’s wonderful, it’s beautiful and I am still growing and this process is just that, a process… but I am on it and I am very, very grateful that God happened. To me, and by extension my family, friends and co-workers.
I don’t want people to hear me talk about God – I used to do that, and then gossip about someone, or have a major panic attack, or eat (or not eat) everything in sight. That doesn’t show Christ to anyone, no matter what I say. Now, I don’t want to say a word – but I want people to wonder what happened. Why am I now more peaceful when there is so much more going on than before? Because God happened. Why do I hold it together when the rest of the world is falling apart? Because God happened. How did I get into fitness, losing weight and being healthy? Because God happened. Why do I never feel fearful and anxious anymore? Because God happened.
Ask yourself the questions, and then answer yourself. Debate with yourself and negotiate.
You may, too, be surprised that God has happened to you, too.