Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
I have realised that I am not a very nice person. In fact, I am rather mean, terribly unkind and can be quite vindictive. I have been praying for years for my fear and anxiety to leave, to learn to live in peace – but perhaps what I should be praying about is my lack of grace, my selfishness, my greed and jealousy. Yes, these are the things that fill my heart. No wonder I battle with anxiety and fear. And the most frightening part is that there is nothing I can do. No matter how hard I try to change my thoughts, think differently and love deeper and better and more honestly, it’s all surface – because underneath all that, lurks all this vileness that essentially makes me who I am.
And yes, it does come out. Let someone do something I don’t agree with or get something that I want, and there comes the vileness seeping out of me and causing chaos not only internally, but within my sphere of relationships and where I live. It corrupts not only internally, but also everything in my sphere of influence – no wonder I battle with anxiety!
You see, yesterday I mentioned I don’t want to be rich – and I don’t. Well, at least not that “over-the-top-can-afford-the-world” kind of rich… But I am greedy. I want things to be about me – I want mostly what others have, even if I am not sure that it is the right thing for me. I will look after me first, and my needs, and if I can’t get that right – then I just simply withdraw – in some sort of silent protest. My heart often earns for what others have – no wonder I find it hard to focus on gratitude.
And as for anger – I am angry that I battle with insecurity and anxiety the way that I do. I am angry that for the most part of my life I have felt so terribly lonely and alone and I have never had anyone I can truly confide in or anyone who is truly invested in me. That somehow I have had to find my own way in this world and figure out my own things and belief system with not an inch of help from anyone. Sometimes I dearly wish I had some sort of mentor, an older woman who could encourage me in being a wife and mother and a working woman, who has a heart after God and will encourage me to seek His face. But, instead, I am all alone. And I am angry.
And jealousy – I am that petty, awful, awful person who secretly gets excited when someone else’s life doesn’t go the way they planned. There is no grace or support or encouragement within me to give to someone else. I am a terrible, terrible person.
You see, I need a saviour – not just from the sin that permeates this world, or from situations beyond my control – but I need a saviour to save me from myself.
I am my own worst enemy!
And the thing that frustrates me the most is that there is not a blue thing I can do about any of this. I cannot change this evil heart of mine. I can think all the good thoughts in the world, but unless I clear out this clutter and mire in my heart, it won’t do any good. I can think on Christ’s peace until the cows come home, but if all of this is resting underneath it all, it won’t matter. Eventually it will seep out and people will start seeing the true me; this awful person that I really am. This person I need to keep hidden in case someone finds out. No wonder I feel so terribly, terribly alone.
It was with absolute shock when I learnt that John 3:16 is followed by John 3:17:
John 3:16-17(NIV), “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (Emphasis mine)
When I saw that, my first response was shock – God didn’t send his son to condemn us, He came to save us???
Why would He want to save someone like me?
This terribly, awful jealous, greedy and angry person????
I am still on this seesaw the one I have been on my entire life – only now I am on the other side, but still the same seesaw. Before Baby Girl, I never ate – mostly because I just didn’t have the appetite but also because I felt anxious and afraid and too scared of making a fool of myself; to the point of my mother sending me to a psychiatrist for anorexia (I was never anorexic, but I was anxious). Now, I am on the other side, where I am eating everthing in sight – for the same reasons – and I don’t know how to stop. I keep praying and praying and asking for prayer but it just carries on and on and on.
HOW DO I GET OFF THIS SEESAW ONCE AND FOR ALL?
I need a saviour to save me from myself.
I am my own worst enemy!
Is there any hope for me at all to defeat – once and for all – these demons that I battle? Any hope…???
When will my turn come? Or perhaps it has already come, and I am too filled with anger, and pride, and greed and jealousy and I completely missed it. And now it is all over for me.