It is so hard to wait. I am impatient, and want answers now. And when I don’t get answers I start making plans. See the doctor, eat more healthily, drink more water, this and that and this and that… what’s the saying about the plans of mice and men oft go awry…???
Its like walking in the desert, desperately needing something to drink, and either you start hallucinating and seeing water where there is none, or you completely start doubting that you will ever get through this – those nagging little voices in your head that start attacking and maliciously undermining any good growth that you’ve had.
I did not even know I was in a season of waiting until I realised that I had not yet gotten a “Word for the Year” this year. I know that God will come through for me – and He always has. He has never let me down. Ever. And perhaps that is the reason for my waiting; to learn to trust my magnificent Creator even more strongly. No experience is ever wasted – God uses all that we are, and all that we have been through (and will go through) to make us more like Christ. I don’t know what He has in store for me, my husband and our family. But, I do know that if I trust Him completely (which is such a work in progress for me), that I will have the desires of my heart fulfilled.
Psalm 37:4 (NIV), “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
And what are my desires?
- To have a healthy, strong, loving and stable marriage.
- To be financially well off enough to stop living on credit and in debt (not rich, I don’t want to be rich, but I do wish we could afford all our monthly expenses and them some without debt or living on credit).
- To be a good mom to Baby Girl.
- To have both my husband and daughter experience and know the love of Jesus through how I love and interact with them.
- And finally, to be fit – eat healthy, and to stop consuming all food in sight because of fear, panic and whatever else; and to stop not eating for the same reasons. In fact, I desperately desire for this to be a non-issue.
So, in God will I trust – it’s not like I have a choice because the one thing I have realised is that I cannot make any of this happen. I cannot will it, think it into being, or do anything else – I have to surrender all and just simply realise that this is all up to God. In His timing and in His perfect way.
I have also realised that (yesterday, actually) that I don’t have grace – not for myself or for my fellow-man. I am mean and selfish and so incredibly vindictive and more importantly, I don’t know how to let go – of all past failures and transgressions against me, and me against others, I don’t know how to let go.
How can I be a Christian for 30 years and still feel like I am at the very beginning????