I’m embarrassed!

This is an email I sent to hubby this morning regarding Baby Girl:


I just wanted to explain where I am coming from with regards to Baby Girl.  I am worried about her at the moment – she needs to learn how to interact with others; and not just friends but making new friends at Nippers, at Soccer, etc.  And yet it is so frustrating, because no matter what we do, we can’t force her.  We need to help her process her feelings so that she can get past feeling shy and I don’t know how to do that.

I think the thing that makes this such a soft spot for me is that feeling embarrassed has been my soul motivation throughout my entire life – I hid away from life, from making friends, from getting out there and living life because I was embarrassed.  Ashamed of my background and family life, but more because I was scared I would embarrass myself and I didn’t know how to move past that.  So I just stayed home.

Its only now in my 40’s that I am finally learning to get beyond that, and even now it still haunts me sometimes.  I would hate it if this little girl who has so much potential hides herself from the world because she’s scared she will get embarrassed.  And I don’t know how to help her move beyond that to just having fun.  And it wasn’t just yesterday – she has mentioned this a few times now.  Just to give you a comparison, her friend has already had play dates with the kids from holiday care.  Baby Girl either plays with her friend, if her friend isn’t there or if her friend doesn’t want to play with her, she just plays on her own.  She doesn’t know how to move beyond being shy to actually making friends and having fun.  And I agree with you that we need to keep taking her to these things (soccer, nippers, etc), but it doesn’t do much good if she does what she did yesterday and we can’t get her to engage in the activity.

Just my thoughts – but I am a bit concerned about her at the moment.  Any success she may have in life will come from knowing how to navigate new activities and making new friends.  She can’t just rely on her friends from school all the time; they’re not going to be part of each and every activity she does.  Wow!

 And that sums it up – for me.  And I pray beyond prayers not for Baby Girl.  The Good Lord has taught me a lesson in humility and I pray that I am humble enough and teachable enough to learn the lesson.  I can’t control Baby Girl – I can’t make her see just how much fun she will have.  I can’t in any way force her – but I know that this little girl was born with the heart of a lion; I have seen how strong and courageous she can be.  I know that if she just gave herself a chance, she will truly learn how to live life abundantly.  I don’t want her missing out just because I missed out; I don’t want her missing out because I don’t her to have any regrets in her life.  None.  She will have regrets – things we wished we had done differently, but I don’t want her to have regrets from missing out.  Because you can never go back and redo it.  Never.

But, dear Lord, I am surrendering this to you.  Because I am so similar, I am probably the last person to teach her differently.  But, you can strengthen her heart Lord and keep that heart of a lion that she has always had.  I cast this burden onto you and I trust dear Lord that you will have this; you are the Blessed Controller.

The Baby Mama



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