I stood shaking and trembling. My fists were clenched tight – I could feel my nails digging into the palm of my hand. I was huddled in a corner of a room that had lots of wooden shelves and a wooden floor. There was a huge wooden desk in the corner of the room. Next to me were my husband and daughter and we were pushed against a window. Next to us on the right was a glass door covered in beautiful white lace. In front of us – towering above us – was a gigantic yellow snake, with burning eyes and a tongue slithering in and out of its mouth.
For someone who doesn’t dream, this dream was rather vivid.
Needless to say I was quite bothered about it when I woke up this morning.
This is my interpretation:
I live in fear. In my home, within my family structure. The fear is before me – tangible and real. It is watching me – through burning eyes. It can taste me.
This is what it is like living with anxiety. It is always there – like a predator trapping its prey.
I have a choice.
I do actually have a choice.
You see, I have God, the creator of the universe, the one true God, the saviour of all mankind on my side. I can choose to watch the snake – or keep my eye on and my trust in God. When I woke up – that is exactly what I decided to do.
This snake has no place in my home. It certainly has no place within my family structure. It has no place in my life. In fact, if I think about it more intricately, the snake was defeated 2 000 years ago when Jesus rose from the dead. In fact, even before that, the snake had to ask God for permission before he could do anything to Job. The snake has always been – and will always be – under God’s control.
The one who isn’t controlling him is me.
The one who isn’t trusting is me.
I choose to let fear live in my life.
I allow fear to control me, to control my actions and reactions to life.
I know that there are many people who claim legitimate biological reasons for anxiety. I’m not a doctor; I can’t say whether they’re right or wrong. But, for me, I know that I have been taught and conditioned to think this way. I need to teach myself a new way, a different way of thinking. (I am busy teaching myself a new way of thinking – through God’s word and Dr Caroline Leaf‘s 21 Day Detox.) My mother who is highly strung and battles panic attacks took great pride whenever I had a panic attack. She nurtured that in me to make herself feel less alone – like she had a comrade in arms against fear. But, I didn’t want to be her comrade in fear. I don’t want fear – I want the snake evicted so that I can enjoy my home, my family and my life.
Only Jesus can do this.
Why? Because He came to give us a peace that transcends all understanding – in fact, it is said that there are more than 365 “do not fears” in the bible. Clearly, God does not want us to fear. What does God want? He wants us to trust Him. He is the Blessed Controller of life and all things and nothing will happen to us that He cannot use for His glory and our good. (Romans 8:28)
I am evicting the snake.
This is a process and a long walk – three steps forward, one step back. I am making progress and I am learning to trust Him more and more.
One day, I will look at my house, my home and my family and realise the snake isn’t there anymore. In fact, it hasn’t been there for a while. I can move forward into my house, into the room – and into my life – and know that I am safe. I am completely safe because I can trust Him.