I battle with my weight. Ever since Baby Girl’s arrival on this planet, I have battled with my weight. Before her arrival, I was slender, and well toned. Now, I’m just fat.
Well, truth be told, it’s not my weight I battle with – that’s just the result. I battle with eating. I can’t stop. Even when I feel full, or tired, or anxious – I have to somehow prove to myself that I am eating and eat everything on my plate. Then have dessert, and have a snack later – constantly proving to myself that I can. I suppose all overweight or obese people have an emotional reason for eating. I did not know this before.
I am busy working through Dr Caroline Leaf’s 21 Day Detox Programme – and basically you take a toxic thought (such as “I have to eat all the time”), and you break it down and you build up a healthy replacement thought (such as “I can have a balanced and healthy diet”).
The core issues – as was revealed to me was that I eat all the time because I equate eating with motherhood. Being a mom, being in the spotlight, means (for me) needing to eat all the time. But, it is the replacement thought that I want to focus on today. Because we all kinda need to eat – to survive – I can’t just say to myself, “stop eating.” It’s not like chocolate, or smoking (not that I smoke – but as an example), or alcohol – all I can do without. So, I can’t go cold-turkey, and take up another hobby like knitting to replace the time I used to eat. One of the aspects that has come out of this programme is that I need to eat as Jesus ate.
And I am a bit surprised by what has come out from this.
Mostly, this is my own deductions – but there is something to be said for a man who enjoyed weddings and feasts and created wine for the celebrations, but could fast for 40 days, and traveled from place to place without food and kind of only worried about it when he got there (take the story of five loaves and two fish).
I can’t do that – I need to eat from the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed. I need to plan to have something to eat before I go out, eat when I am there, and then eat when I get home in case I didn’t eat enough. And here is the key difference (I think) – food served Jesus and His ministry. With me – I serve food. It has become an idol to me. I think about food and eating probably every moment of the day. I somehow get the impression that Jesus didn’t do that – He ate when hungry, meal times were a time to connect with His disciples, but He didn’t plan for meals or eat every moment of the day. That just doesn’t come across in Scripture like that.
I have read that meal times back in Scripture’s day were very important – it was a time that you shared and connected with family and friends. You did not share a meal with someone you didn’t want to share your life with. So, the focus of eating were the people you were eating with – not how much food you could eat, or what food was being served. And then food wasn’t given another thought until the next meal time.
Once again, this calls for changing my thinking and my thoughts and it is so hard. When you feel hungry all the time, because you have wired in a toxic thought that makes you think about food all the time (seriously, I’m hungry just typing this post), its hard to stop. But, I am encouraged because as Dr Caroline Leaf says – what you’ve wired in, you can wire out. I can wire out those toxic thoughts and wire in healthy thoughts. I can renew my mind.
Romans 12:2 New International Version – UK: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
God wouldn’t tell us to do something if it can’t be done. He didn’t say it would be easy. But through His grace, it’s not impossible. For with God, all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26 New International Version – UK: Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’
So, my goal now in detoxing my brain is to start eating like Jesus did – to have His mindset and thoughts to food. And I know that when you start doing things the way Jesus did and start breaking free from bondage, somehow the anxiety that was holding you in bondage will be released as well.
There is no way but to walk through this. But, to go through it.
Today I am grateful for:
- Yesterday, my hubby and I got the chance to go out for lunch together – it was awesome. I was a little nervous, given my propensity to choke, but it was so nice. I mean like really lovely. Then we went out for hot chocolate (he had coffee), and then went home to just chill.
- I haven’t run in two weeks. I’ve had a sore throat, which has just been a nuisance, but it’s not getting better and it’s not getting worse. So, today I am going to go for a run. I am grateful though that I had a bit of break and I feel ready to start running again. I will take it slow and easy on my first run after being ill.
- I am grateful that Baby Girl had a good party on Saturday. She had a ball and she had her two cousin’s from Cape Town. It was really great to see her having so much fun and I am so grateful that she had fun and that she knows she is loved.
- I am grateful for the generosity of my friends to give Baby Girl such lovely gifts for her birthday. Some were very generous. Thank you to you all!
- I am grateful for the awesome, but very hectic weekend with my hubby, Baby Girl and family and friends. Normally, this would’ve sent me over the edge as it would’ve been too much, and I would be too tired. But this weekend was just good – both hubby and I are treating each other much better and just kinda rolling with it more. Just so awesome.
I have so much to be grateful for.