I don’t feel like being grateful today.
I am tired.
I am grumpy.
And hubby and I had a bit of a nasty fight before leaving for work.
And that fight has left me asking what is it all for? Why am I walking this path to better myself to think Godly thoughts, to live a Godly life if just one morning can set me so far back?
I feel like a fraud.
I feel like that by now I should have this marriage thing and Godly thing figured out. I should know how to handle marriage in a calm, Godly manner – I should never lose it, get angry, react out of anger. I should have this sex thing figured out. I should – by now – be able to satisfy my husband. I should be loving and kind and think all those beautiful thoughts that are beautiful, noble and just lovely.
But, I’m not.
I am grumpy, I keep thinking negative thoughts – not just about myself, but about pretty much everyone around me, and fantasizing about every possible situation that has never happened, I don’t trust and I am really, really tired. And I snap at my poor husband and have such a pitiful standard for him, that I am actually ashamed of my reactions this morning. I suppose, that in and of itself, is at least something.
Today is not a good day.
Sometimes I just wish I had one of those lives – you know the ones:
Where everything seems to work and function as it should, all the people get along so nicely, everything is calm and peaceful and everyone is always laughing and smiling and… Yeah, the Facebook life.
But, I don’t, and probably neither do you…
So, today, I really have to look hard for those things that I am grateful for. But, I know that even with my foul mood, and even though I’m not feeling very grateful at the moment, I can cognitively think and know what I am grateful for – the feelings will follow later.
So, today, I am grateful for these things:
- I am grateful for my husband. Yeah, I know we had a fight this morning, and that tonight we’ll probably have to talk it out, but he is my man. He cooks supper every night without any hassle, and washes the dishes afterwards. He is good with Baby Girl and she adores her daddy. He helps out whenever and wherever he can, and I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
- I am grateful for my little Madam Fifi. She really is a joy in both our lives – sometimes I think it is she that is keeping us together, she is so filled with love and good intentions and kindness, it is hard not to be drawn to her.
- I am grateful for the opportunity to blog – because more than what it could help any of you (seriously, there are some really amazing blogs out there that are so much more proficient in the art of marriage and intimacy), it really does help me. It helps me to clear my head, to clarify what I think and believe, and it helps me to change my thinking – to exorcise those negative thoughts and to focus on the positive. And although this walk is taking far longer than I had hoped or anticipated, I am walking this path – and I have gotten somewhere. I have covered some ground, and if I keep on walking, I will keep covering more ground.
- I am grateful that I can trust God. No matter what I feel, or what the situation around me looks like, or how bad things are – I can trust God. I can trust Him no matter – He created the entire world in six days, He knows exactly what He is doing.
- I am grateful that airing my views on today’s post, and exorcising some anger from this morning’s argument, I feel a little better. Now, just really tired but better…
I have much to be grateful for.