Gratitude – 18th December

I have been feeling a little despondent of late – perhaps it is just tiredness: work has been hectic and usually at this time of year most people suffer from Decembernitis (that “end of year” exhaustion).  But, I am also a little despondent that there still seems to be this root of fear in my life.  It’s like an onion – I’ve dealt with so many layers, and things are so good right now – between my husband and I, our marriage, with Baby Girl, at work, but every now and then, this ugly little thing called fear rears its ugly head.

Here’s the story: On Wednesday, we had a public holiday here in South Africa, and the Star Wars movie premiered here in South Africa.  So, we made arrangements with a whole group of friends to go see the movie together.  Do you know how nervous I was?  I mean seriously, to the point that I actually felt ill.  Baby Girl slept at my mom’s house, and so afterwards hubby and I had the house to ourselves and the whole day before we left, I was so nervous that I felt sick.

Then, we meet up with our friends and landed up having a great time.  The movie was excellent (so good that in fact we’d consider seeing it again), we had coffee afterwards, and then because hubby hadn’t eaten anything, we stopped at CTFM for some sushi, and a glass of wine.  Just the two of us – and it was awesome.  It’s Summer here in South Africa, and so when we got home, we took a leisurely stroll around our complex.  The stars were amazing.  And it was awesome.  And we could do that because Baby Girl wasn’t there.  And as I was walking with my husband, I realised that this getting nervous and fearful to the point of feeling sick is nonsense – I had the most amazing evening.  There was nothing to be afraid of.

And that is why I am feeling despondent.  I constantly have this nervous, fearful twitch inside me that I seem to carry around with me everywhere I go.

But, enough!  I am ready to, and I want to crawl, climb, leopard crawl, run, walk – whatever – to get into the pool.

So, after reading Sheila’s post on The War Room, I have decided to ask God to remove this root of fear once and for all.

It’s time for deep cleaning!  Invite the Holy Spirit into the deepest, darkest places of your life and ask Him to help you deal with the root of your problem.  Joyce Meyers

I have not seen The War Room – and I have tried to look for it here in South Africa, and I see that a few art cinemas across the country did show the movie, but Port Elizabeth does not have an art cinema.  But, then I realised, I don’t need to watch a movie to learn how to really pray, God has given me all the information and resourced I need in His word.

I want to get to the point that if hubby says to me, “Let’s go out to dinner”, I’m like, “Yes”.  With no fear, no anxiety – just excitement.  I want to get to the point that when Baby Girl leaves the house, or goes away to school camp, or whatever, I’m so excited at hubby and I having the time alone together, that I can’t wait. With no fear, no anxiety – just excitement.  I want to get to the point that when we get invited out for a movie with friends, I’m like, “Yes, we’re there”.  With no fear, no anxiety – just excitement.

So, whatever the root of this fear is, I pray that God will pull it out.  Like an onion, I have already dealt with so many layers, but I pray that God will take it deeper and deeper until it is all gone.

There are many changes and challenges that life will throw our way – from maybe having to move to a new city, new jobs, sickness, death, growing old, financial worries, Baby Girl’s future, her education, her needs, etc.  I can’t keep wallowing in fear and negative thinking all the time.  I’m not going to get anywhere with life like that – I am not going to live that abundant life that God promised.  To me, and to you!

John 10:10 New Living Translation

10 The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

I want a rich and satisfying life with my husband.  I never had that as a child growing up, and I want it now.  So, as I said, if I have to, I am ready to crawl, climb, leopard crawl, run, walk – whatever – to get into the pool.

In fact, I think that hubby and I should start going out for supper – just the two of us – a little more regularly so that I can get this stupid fear out of my head.  But, it’s not just that – even when I am alone, I need to eat.  I eat out of fear, and that is no way to live a life.

“Where can I flee from your presence?” David asked God (Ps. 139:7).  David took this as an immense comfort.  “If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,” he noted.  “Even the darkness will not be dark to you” (vv. 9-12).  Our Daily Bread

So, today, I am grateful:

  • That I know that God will continue the good work He has begun in me until the day of Christ Jesus.  He won’t let me down.  I can trust Him and He will always carry me through.
  • That God will honour my prayer – the strength of my marriage, and the picture it represents to the world – is far more important to God than it could ever be to me.
  • That God forgives me of my sin of fear, for it is a sin when we choose to trust our fears more than we trust God.  And He will be faithful and just to cleanse me of my sin, and create in me a new heart and renew my thinking, too.
  • That I have the most amazing family – my husband and daughter rock.
  • That summer is here – and I intend to enjoy every moment of fun, laughter and sun with my family.

I have so much to be grateful for.


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