If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, you will know what I battle with my weight. Before I fell pregnant, my issue was that I thought I was too skinny. Now, and my daughter has already turned six, I’m the fat one. I’m the one who eats huge portions, and cannot get through a morning without having second breakfast, early lunch and another mid-afternoon snack, before demanding an early supper – because I’m so hungry, it feels like I will pass out.
I am still not used to being the fat one. I know cognitively that I am overweight, but instinctively, I keep thinking I am skinny. I have this drive to eat and eat and eat that I did not have before I falling pregnant. And not eating brings with it huge amounts of anxiety that I am just not enjoying.
I am tired of being the fat one.
I am tired of always needing to eat.
I am tired of my focus being so much on food, that not five minutes go by without daydreaming of toasted cheese sandwiches and pizza. Not normal, right?
I have an account with MyFitnessPal, and I am trying to watch what I eat. It doesn’t really help, because if I am hungry – MyFitnessPal can go out the window. If I’m hungry – I want food, and I want it now!
I am running around the park during my lunch break at work as often as I can, and I do the Park Run most Saturdays, so I am trying to move towards greater health.
What I am really tired of is not being able to get through an hour without needing a sweet, chocolate, food. It’s driving me insane.
I’ve started a book called The Thin Woman’s Brain by Dilia Suriel and one of the things she talks about are women who are thin through sheer willpower, and women who are naturally thin. I was naturally thin. We have a woman in our office who lost about 20 kg’s – she did it through lots of gym workouts, and through basically starving herself. And while I admire her strength (if I need to eat, I need to eat – I don’t have the discipline to not eat if I’m hungry), she has gained all that weight back and then some. You can’t have the kind of willpower needed indefinitely to keep being thin.
According to Dilia, you need to change how you think.
And I know that before gaining all this weight, I used to view eating and food very differently to how I view eating and food now. And I think that is one of my biggest regrets – I was so focused on being too skinny, that I started nurturing (subconsciously) this desire to eat. And now that desire – that started way before my pregnancy – is being fulfilled. So, I only have myself to blame.
If only I had loved myself enough to realise that I was actually okay – to accept myself as I was, happy, slender and absolutely fine!
So, what do I need to do? Well, I need to change how I think – about food and weight and so many other issues. I’ve seen success in changing how I think about anxiety, marriage, sex, – so why not what I eat and how I eat?
Did God not instruct us to think His thoughts?
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.
And to renew our minds:
And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].
I don’t think – well, I have no idea if Dilia is a Christian or not. But, I do believe in the value of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), so I am going to work my way through this book. Slowly – one step at a time. However, let it be said that the Bible will always be my ultimate guide.
I am currently reading The Thin Woman’s Brain by Dilia Suriel and while I agree with almost everything she says (what she lists as thin woman thinking is definitely how I used to think before gaining all this weight, and definitely how I am not thinking now) she is missing one key ingredient. She is missing the grace and love of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because while I really believe we have more control over ourselves than we realise, only true change comes from God. It is through His grace and love that we are motivated to change and grow and become more like Christ – He provides not only the role model, but means to accomplish this and then He provides the strength and the desire to really change – from the inside out. Praise be to God for the changes I already see happening in me. I mean – I am running. Big old couch potato me – I am running. Only 3 miles, but that cannot happen if it were not for the grace of God. Baby Mama’s Blog
But, I am going to use the steps she advises – I can’t always be so anxious about eating, or not eating, and I definitely don’t always want to be “the fat one”.
Join me on my weight loss journey – share your own insights from your own journey to learning to love yourself.