My progress.

I started this blog to record Baby Girl’s life. I wanted to remember each and every day, each detail of her life – I have so few memories of my childhood that I wanted a platform for Baby Girl to recall memories of her own childhood. Especially since she is an only child, there won’t be any siblings to bounce memories off of.

But, this blog quickly became about me exercising my demons (so to speak). And in a way that’s okay – Baby Girl will truly know who I am. And very often, if fears or insecurities or anything is passed onto the next generation, understanding where these fears or insecurities come from is half the battle in walking beyond them.

And often I ask myself, “Why?”
Why have I gone through all? And this is how I tend to think of it: some people are born with strong personalities. From the get-go, they know what they want in life and what they’re going to do to get it. Others are born with softer personalities that need to be nurtured and taken care of – these are usually your more sensitive individuals and are more easily influenced by outside forces. And then you get those that are born blank slates – their personalities develop over time from their families, life experiences, etc. I was in this latter category. I was a blank slate – I was this insecure, sensitive little girl who, I think, from the word go had to develop my personality in life. I have no problem with that – I think we worship a God who is creative.

However, I was born into dysfunctional family with a dominant mother figure and an absent father figure. And this dominant mother figure controlled and bullied every aspect of my life. And this only loaned itself even more to me developing anxiety issues.

It has taken me a long, long time to realise that God did not create us to be anxious.

Day 21: A lifetime of fullness

I am currently reading The Thin Woman’s Brain by Dilia Suriel and while I agree with almost everything she says (what she lists as thin woman thinking is definitely how I used to think before gaining all this weight, and definitely how I am not thinking now) she is missing one key ingredient. She is missing the grace and love of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because while I really believe we have more control over ourselves than we realise, only true change comes from God. It is through His grace and love that we are motivated to change and grow and become more like Christ – He provides not only the role model, but means to accomplish this and then He provides the strength and the desire to really change – from the inside out. Praise be to God for the changes I already see happening in me. I mean – I am running. Big old couch potato me – I am running. Only 3 miles, but that cannot happen if it were not for the grace o