Day 2 = #21daysofthanks

Yesterday, I realised that the one thing I do have to be grateful for is that although I may not have plans or that I live my live hiding in fear; God does have plans for me:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This can be seen by the fact that God knew my husband and I needed a family and we had to walk a very hard path and a very difficult path to have that daughter, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the entire world. Because you see – God does know best.

In today’s #21daysofthanks, today we need to use the alphabet to list items for which we are grateful. Well, here we go…

Feeling sad/tired/down/melancholy…

I have been feeling sad – probably more due to tiredness and this hectic pace we run ourselves into every day, but still. I have been feeling sad.

And the thing that is making me feel sad lately is that I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Here I am, at the tender age of 41, and what is it exactly I have achieved with my life? Nothing. Well, okay, perhaps not nothing, but it feels like nothing. And the reason why I have achieved nothing is because I had no plans. My plans after school extended to finding a job with pension and medical aid (perhaps a thought inherited from my father, but still). And planning a family? Well, never on my list of things to do. And now I regret it. Because you see, my not desiring a family was me hiding in fear. I was afraid I wouldn’t bond with my child, or that anxiety would fill my days and I’d have no escape. And so, instead of facing my fears, I ran… I hid behind my no and didn’t plan or think I could plan. The irony is though that I didn’t know that I was doing that – only now, after the last couple of anxiety filled years do I see what I was actually doing then.