Taking it off the table.

I have felt nervous and anxious of late, all because of this upcoming Cape Town trip (which I am totally looking forward to), but still I am nervous.  I am weaning myself off Paxil, and this will be the first trip off the drugs.  And my mind is playing the most awful mind games on me, “what if”, “what if”, “what if”…!!!

And because I know that God has already answered my prayers with regards to this anxiety that I feel, I was praying this morning about how to move past all this once and for all.

Then stop putting it on the table.  Stop carrying it with you wherever you go.  Stop coming to me with something that has already been answered – LET.  IT.  GO!

What is making me so nervous for this weekend?  Quite simply, it is having an anxiety moment with my husband, ruining the whole weekend and having him (and Him) not be proud of me in any way, of disappointing my husband, of thinking that in some way I am just like my mother and need to stay on these tablets for the rest of my life.  So, I keep playing scenarios over and over in my mind on how I will handle certain situations.

But, here is what I realised this morning, that even in just doing that, I am keeping this issue on the table – looking at it from every perspective, seeing it, understanding it, breaking it down into its little components.  Realising that I brought this issue to my marriage, to my work, to my parenting, to college, to school and even at home when I was growing up.  The reasons are many and if you peruse my blog, you will see all those reasons there and many more.  It has always, always, been with me.

But, now, I know, it is time to take it off the table.

The table is the place where we put our prayers before God.  Some prayers God will answer with a resounding yes, some He will say no to, and some can be negotiated as to when – but always in God’s will and in His time.  I keep putting this on the table, because sometimes I think I just don’t know how to do differently – I keep asking God to look at it for me.  But, He is looking at me, and saying,

“Why, why do you keep bringing this back to me?  Why, why do you keep putting this on the table?”

Because I don’t know how to not keep putting it back on the table.

Because I don’t know how to let it go.

But, I am learning that I need to walk through this fear, through this anxiety, and embrace all that God has in store for me, embrace passionately all that God has given to me – and that means inviting my husband and God into those fearful areas of my life that I hide away, that I am so ashamed of…

If you read the Passion Series that I have just completed by Abigail Alleman,

And it’s full of fight.  For strongholds of lies to be broken.  For my marriage (and yours) to thrive.  For the truth of my life to be a song to the next generation that leads them to Jesus.  For sex to be God’s in a brilliantly clear way that rises above the clanging of its vast degradation by the world.  It’s about living whole.  It’s where I begin to trust God in EVERY area of my life, even and especially in the area of sex and sexuality.  It’s living radically where I push through walls of misplaced shame, paralyzing fear, and crippling doubt.  And, as a wife, it’s becoming whole in the only way that I truly can—through the experience of the one-flesh relationship of covenant marriage.  So, I am letting go of the holding-back kindof thoughts that would look at sex as hollow.  That ‘thing’ at the end of the day that wants to take my last drop of strength.  Or something meant to satisfy men and leave women empty.  Reference here.  

And that is what I need to do – in order to live a whole, completely abundant life, I need to trust God and my husband in EVERY area of my life, including this one area that fills me with so much anxiety and fear, fear of ridiculing myself and embarrassing my husband, fear of never moving past this, of always holding back – just in case and knowing that God’s grace and my husband’s love will enter these areas of my life that I am so ashamed of and knowing that it will all be okay.

It.  Will.  Be.  Okay.

I can’t even consider going back on Paxil, because I know that God wants me to move beyond this.  And so, I will take baby steps, small steps, then giant leaps as I learn to throw this aside, and accept His (and his) love and grace into all areas of my life.

Hebrews 12

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I hope and pray to get to a point in my life where I will never think on this again, except to remember all that God has done in my life.

Pray with me as I learn to finally move beyond this – once and for all.


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