I am a little nervous of late. Perhaps even a little fearful. I am certainly worried and concerned. You see, I am now going to go off Paxil. I only have a few tablets left, and I am starting to wean myself off these tablets. And that thought makes me feel a little nervous, anxious and panicky. And what do I keep doing? Well, I keep rehashing that awful time that led me to be on the tablets in the first place. What if this happens? What if that happens? What if, what if, what if…
And here’s the thing,
God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.
How many times have I quoted that verse to myself over the last couple of years? Many, many times.
And today, I was all worried again – thinking about the what if’s. I cannot put my husband or daughter through a bout of extensive anxiety again. It will be detrimental to my marriage and to their well-being as well as my own. And I think that is the crux of my fear – I have reached a happy plateau at the moment and all is going so well, and I don’t want to upset the apple-cart so to speak, by going off these tablets and putting myself in a vulnerable state. I don’t want to embarrass myself and my hubby by having these anxiety attacks every time we sit down to a meal.
I want all this to be gone.
And then today, I read a post on To love, honor and vacuum that has made me realise that focusing on the past, will only bring about that very recurrence that I am so fearful of.
While Shaylah Coogan fears arise from single motherhood and battling financially, my fears arise from having a panicky disposition and embarrassing myself and those I love. And then Shaylay shared the most wonderful verse:
“Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now shall it spring forth; shall you not know it?” – Isaiah 43:18-19
I cannot keep thinking about this time period that now is actually long over. All I will be doing is dragging it with me into the future. And for me that is very hard to do. I have this over-analytic nature, and I just love to understand and break apart every aspect of whatever has happened. Over and over again.
So, this is what I am going to do – I am going to focus on this new thing that God is doing in our lives, this beautiful new thing that is going to spring forth. And every time I find my mind going back to that place, I am going to pray and ask for God’s strength to forget about that and focus on his blessings that are coming our way.
And I know that they are coming because God’s word for me this year is abundance. And just the thought that I could go off these tablets and not ever experience a panic attack of the magnitude I have again, because I know I can trust God, is abundance enough for me.
But, I have this sneaky feeling that God isn’t finished blessing me or my family just yet. I think there are wonderful surprises in store for the three of us.
For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
And that future doesn’t include being on tablets. Now, all I need to do is just breathe, relax and trust God. And focus on what He has in store for us – this new wonderful thing He is doing.