To my love,
Please don’t read this if you don’t have the time – I know you’re hectically busy, but these are just some random thoughts, things that I think of at work that I want to tell you then forget when I get home or am too tired after putting Madam down. They’re just ramblings really – not a “we have a problem and need to talk” letter, so read at your leisure, when you have the time, if you want to.
I have wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with you for a while now, but there just never seems to be the right time, hence this letter. There is no reason and there is nothing wrong, I have just wanted to touch base with you.
Work has been so busy the last couple of months, but I think things will be easing off for now. I hope. This pace has been hectic, but I am enjoying it. It is such a lovely feeling to feel productive and know that you are accomplishing something. I have never had this feeling working for my previous employer. I may have had at XYZ Company, but was perhaps too young to understand the importance of productivity and doing a job well. Anyway, I am now down to a ¼ tablet a day. You know that I only started these tablets April last year – it seems much longer than that, but it has only been about 18 months. Okay, make it 19 months. Anyway, I’m now only taking a ¼ tablet a day and I am nervous of going to that place again – you know what place I’m talking about. Which is why I am working so hard on my thinking – getting rid of negative expectations and actually start expecting the best not just for myself, but of myself as well. So that I can give the best to you and our little darling (who kicked me broken last night). I do always expect the worst – you are absolutely right. And that is so totally ingrained in me and I think that is why I battle some days to not expect the worst – to actually view life positively. Anyway, you know all this. Don’t you? So, I don’t want to harp on this again, but just to let you know that I now see what you have been trying to point out to me all these years, and I am working very hard to counteract all those years of negativity and to be someone who is positive – someone you can be proud of. Some days it’s easy – some days I just wake up feeling miserable but I read an interesting article the other day from Joyce Meyer about God actually wanting us to be happy and laughing. So, well, I will just keep working on that until it is a “done deal.”
As for my blog, I love my blog. I did not enjoy so much you using it negatively, because I am a work in progress – we all are, even you. And writing is my way to keep track of where I am and what I have learnt in this life. And I am enjoying the blogging community – and I would love to share that with you. I think I hold back because I worry that you may find it silly or stupid or whatever, but I am a reader. And I love reading what other people are up to and their stories and sharing mine, even if you are the only person in the entire world to know who the Baby Mama is, that’s just fine. In fact, that is exactly how I want it to be. Do you know what they did in the States recently? They took posts from all the popular blogs in America and published a book called, “You’ve got lipstick on your teeth,” which is a compilation of essays from the most popular blogs from mothers and women in working America. And you can now buy it on Amazon or even for your Kindle. I’ve read reviews and apparently it is hysterically funny. How awesome is that?
I don’t think we could do the same here, as I don’t think South Africans blog to the same extent and with the same calibre to make a book out of it as do the Americans. But the idea is awesome and I love it. And I want to be at the forefront of it – that if ever that opportunity presents itself here, I can be a part of it.
As for my diet – well, this goes hand in hand with what I said earlier about negativity. It feels silly mentioning this to you, because I know that you know all of this. In fact, you probably know me better than I know myself, but leave me to figure things out for myself. Which I am doing, but like I said, I’ve been wanting to connect with you on a deeper level for a while now. I just feel stupid mentioning all this to you, because I know that you know this already, but sometimes I just need to talk to you. And we never really get the time or the opportunity, and between trying to get Madam to sleep, and get our puppy in and out and etc, etc, etc, maybe it’s much better I put my thoughts down on paper. Anyway, the one thing I’ve realised that eating to make sure I eat is not the way to go. That’s the ultimate in negative thinking – “Let me eat just in case I feel anxious or just in case I get hungry later or just in case…”. I came cross another blog by a Fawn Weaver and she says that the best diet advice anyone can give you is to eat when you’re hungry and to stop when you’re about 80% full. And that’s all that I am trying to do at the moment – perhaps then all the rest will then fall back into place. Strange – before I fell pregnant, I used to worry about being too skinny (remember those days). Now I realise just how perfect I was and regret like anything all the negative energy that has now led me to this place of being so large. Anyway, also still working on that… And I am enjoying going to gym. In fact, I can now go so far as to say that I am loving it. And I miss it when you’re out of town.
I want to ask my boss if I can cut down my lunch break so that I can leave 15 minutes earlier, but feel too nervous to approach them at this stage. I want to make sure it is okay before I do it, as I think I’d be very disappointed if they said no. But, if I could get to leave 15 minutes earlier, I could go to gym even when you go away. Which will be much better for me, and better value for money (not wasting gym money). I will pluck up the courage to ask over the next day or two.
I never know exactly what you are wanting when we are watching TV and you touch me – is it just to be sensual, or do you want it to lead to something, or what reaction you want. I like you doing that, but it’s a calm, relaxing kind of thing – like a security, knowing that you are there and that you are aware of me being there. Perhaps this is something we need to make face time for to chat about – I don’t want to disappoint you in this area, and I want us to be on the same page.
I guess I just want to say, hey, still here and still doing okay… and still working on being the best me I can be (I sound like Dr Seuss there, don’t I?)
I pray for you and I a lot. In fact, I pray for you and I every day. And I do believe that God will answer our prayers. And I pray for Baby Girl – for her growth, her maturity, and her future husband. And I pray for our finances – that somehow, in some way, something will give, but more importantly I pray that no matter what we go through together, that God will always protect us and protect our marriage.
I bought a Christian booked called, 31 Days to Great Sex. Will you read it with me?
Guess I must go now – have a lot of work to do still and I would like to make sure I am done so that I can get to gym on time and do a good workout before getting home.
I love you, my darling – with my whole heart.