My biggest fear and my small aha moment!


My biggest fear and my small aha moment!

As you know, I have embarked on a lengthy journey in my life to improve my attitude and negative thinking, and negative self-talk – to learn to believe in myself, my husband, my family and to exercise a little faith in how well life can turn out for us and faith in our ability to handle whatever life throws our way.  A journey I didn’t even know I had to go until my darling hubby pointed it out to me.  And it’s not like I’m lying huddled in a corner, with a white jacket wrapped around me, keeping my arms in check, it’s just quite simply I have a tendency to not see the world as the most positive or enlightening place, and sometimes, when circumstances are not favourable, I give into that negativity and allow anxiety and fear to rule.  But, it is not always like that.  In fact, day-to-day, I am quite enjoying my life and who I am.  But, I am aware of the fact that I have this tendency to get all anxious when the going gets rough, and that is what I am working on.  And will keep working on it until it’s a non-issue.  Sometimes I wonder what made my hubby fall in love with me enough to decide to spend the rest of his life with me.  And then I think it’s the fact that he could see all this potential in me that I can’t even see myself – potential to be and achieve so much more than what I currently am. (And perhaps it is this potential we see in each other that gives us the desire to want to grow old with each other, because we can see this promising future filled with the birthing of opportunities that all this potential brings about.)  And I hate it when he pushes me, and I want hubby to understand that battling with anxiety is so hard and shame, poor me, and all that crap.  Because that’s what it is.  It’s crap.  Hubby doesn’t buy into those excuses and I am so glad that he doesn’t – even though I hate it.  I want the sympathy.  But, you see if hubby gives this sympathy then in essence he is saying it is okay.  And it is not.

So for him, for me, for Baby Girl, I have embarked on finding a positive attitude, and a positive outlook and positive thinking.  And know that I have much inner strength to see life through – life is hard for all of us, but our little clan is made of sturdy stock that can embrace the windfalls that life throws our way.  Without giving into negative thinking or anxiety.

I know this.

Cognitively.

I did not know this a little while ago, but my hubby has opened my mind to a new way of thinking.  Yeah, things were tough – a baby who never slept and never stopped screaming, no support, losing my job, trying to find a new job, not coping with the lack of sleep, financial issues, playing mind games with my mother, etc, etc, etc.  And while that is a lot to go through at the same time – how is my life any different to the many difficulties and hardships many other people face?

And yet, somehow, we always make it through.

Isn’t that amazing?

Anyway, the last couple of days I’ve been feeling a tad despondent, because I’ve started fearing that this will always be an issue for me – trying to be positive, without actually getting there.  Trying to have a good attitude – without actually getting there.  Like an alcoholic who never ever loses that craving for that one drink.  And I find myself thinking that this is not what I want – I just want to be positive.  Not TRYING to be positive.

And as I was getting despondent that this is always on my mind, a little thought encouraged me to think about where I was this time last year.  I was getting up at 04:00 to eat as much toast as possible to make sure I was eating before work.  Not now – hell no, if I can get even just 20 seconds more sleep, I’m all for it.  You see – progress.

Last year this time, I didn’t want to exercise before of my little issue with losing weight, now I’m going to Curves as often as what my schedule allows me to and as of next week, the ladies that the office and myself will be walking during our lunch break around St George’s Park.  And I am as keen as punch – you see, more progress has been made.

And last year I tried to eat everything and anything to make sure I was still eating – and now, while I still am eating too much, my eating is far more balanced and healthy.  And I’m loving it.

And so while I hate that I’ve even had to embark on this journey at all, all the time I am aware that progress is being made.

And what is a life lived if devoid of any growth? 

We are here to grow and to constantly become and to be aware of what we are becoming to make sure we stay on the right path.

Anyway, I think my biggest obstacle to myself it the fact that I keep thinking about it – keep fearing going back to that place, even though there were extenuating circumstances at the time.  I need to just accept that it is over, and move on, and enjoy – but to keep growing and becoming and realising this potential that I have inside me.

(Hubby has such an amazing and balanced outlook on life – except when it comes to himself, he is very hard on himself – and he calls things as they are – and it is to thank him for this journey that will no doubt in the long run benefit all of us!)

And here is my little aha moment!

I had such a bad night with Baby Girl last night.  In fact, I woke up at about 22:30 to find her in the kitchen, trying to climb up a kitchen stool to get into a cupboard to find her egg.  Yeah, clearly she was dreaming, but she had a very restless night and I probably got with up with her about eight or nine times.  Oh, yes, I am frigging tired this morning – almost falling asleep at my desk (not enough though to not write this blog post).

And for a wee minute I looked at my Paxil and considered taking a whole tablet after the night I had with Baby Girl, but I looked at it and thought,

“I don’t need you.”

And I don’t.  I still took the quarter tablet I’ve been taking, as the doctor said you have to wean yourself off very slowly, but I don’t need it.  I realised that this morning – and I need to build on that, but you see, more progress has been made.

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “My biggest fear and my small aha moment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s