Another reason to be so excited, I can pop…
Yes, of course, I will bring myself into this, but let me just tell you why I am so excited first.
My brother and his wife are about to give to birth to their first baby. How exciting is that? And not only am I excited to meet my little niece, but Baby Girl cannot wait to meet her cousin.
Very exciting and awesome.
So, can I bring myself into this story quickly before I take myself out? Nah, I will tell their story first. Little niece was due anytime between the 15th August and the 23rd August. Yesterday we receive a Whatsapp message to say that because nothing has happened yet, and Little Niece shows no signs of arriving, they have scheduled a caesarean for this afternoon. Only to wake up this morning to another Whatsapp message to say that my brother’s wife’s waters broke at 03:00 this morning and that they are at the hospital, awaiting Little Niece’s arrival. If things do not go according to plan, Little Niece may still arrive via C-Section, but we will wait and see.
Of course, I told Baby Girl that Little Niece may be arriving today and she is just as excited as what I am. She has walked this whole process with her Aunt and Uncle and we tried to explain to her in way that she can understand that there is a baby in her Aunt’s tummy and that one day the doctor will take the baby out – and well, it seems that day has arrived. She is so good with babies and loves babies; I just know she is going to a good big cousin to Little Niece.
This is all so exciting.
Now for my story – you see, I seriously doubt myself when it comes to anything that I want. I mean, I really believed that I did not want children, only to discover that I actually did want to have kids and that whole, awful episode and the fight with hubby’s family has sort of left some scarring. I think on both hubby and myself, and although it is all said and done, I still find myself being “haunted” (for want of a better word), because when I read the message this morning, I find myself fearing that I would once again go to that place of wanting another child. And the thing is, had our circumstance been any different, and Baby Girl had been a little easier as a baby and we had more support perhaps that would have been a reality. But now?
Hell, no – that ship has long sailed.
So, I find myself watching my reactions carefully, and monitoring myself – because I don’t trust myself. And then I get to work, and I get this Joyce Meyer reading, and I just know that what God has blessed hubby and I with, are OUR blessings to be enjoyed by us. And we should never compare to what anyone else gets, or what they are going through, because our stories are all so different.
Our little family is perfect as is, and although I am carefully watching my reactions, I know that our family is complete. And that is the truth of our story. God may bless us tomorrow with something amazing that someone else will wish they had – so I can’t live in “what if” land any longer. Just in what the truth of now is. And the truth of now is this, I love my hubby and baby girl more than I can ever imagine and I am extremely blessed to have them in my life.
And yes, I do believe that God still speaks to us today. I’ll comment in the Joyce Meyer’s text below so that you can see how this is relevant to me.
by Joyce Meyer – posted August 23, 2013
He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.—Psalm 107:20
I knew God had called me to a powerful, worldwide ministry. I didn’t brag about it and didn’t feel that I was special. I knew I was just a woman from Fenton, Missouri, whom no one had ever heard of. Yet I believed I would have a national radio ministry. I believed God would use me to heal the sick and to change lives. In fact, instead of being proud, I was humbled. Who was I that God would use me? The more I meditated on that idea, the more I rejoiced in the goodness and sovereignty of God. In 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, the apostle Paul pointed out that God’s choices often appear mysterious. He chooses the foolish to dumbfound the wise, the weak to shame the mighty. Paul concluded, “Let him who boasts and proudly rejoices and glories, boast and proudly rejoice and glory in the Lord” (v. 31). I felt no cause to boast. I believed God’s calling and promise to me. That’s what I want to stress. And then I waited for God to open the doors that no one could shut. When He was ready, it would happen. Although I don’t know when the problem began, one day I heard myself ask, “I wonder if God really does want to use me?” Instead of holding on to the promises of God, I looked at myself and my lack of qualifications. I started to compare myself with other servants of God. When you compare yourself with others, that’s always a mistake, because you usually end up on the negative side. I must never compare myself to anybody else – my story is unique and wonderful and beautiful because it is my story.
Doubts began to creep in. Maybe I just made that up. Maybe I wanted something like that to happen, but it probably won’t. The longer the predicament went on, the more confused I became. I questioned God and the promise. I realized I no longer had the bright vision God had given me. I was filled with doubt and unbelief. I began to pray and plead with God to help me. “If I just made up the things I have believed that You called me to do, then take the desire away. But if You’ve truly called me, help me. Restore the vision.” When I paused, I heard God speak in my heart, Mind-binding spirits. “What’s a mind-binding spirit?” I asked. I had never heard the term, so I didn’t think anything more about it. The next day when I prayed, I heard the same words. In fact, every time I prayed for the next two days, I heard, mind-binding spirits. I had already done a lot of ministry, and I had long realized how much trouble many believers had with their minds. At first, I thought the Holy Spirit might be leading me to pray for the Body of Jesus Christ to stand against a spirit called Mind Binding. I prayed and I rebuked that spirit—and then I realized those words were for me. A mind-binding spirit had tried to steal my vision, destroy my joy, and take away my ministry. A tremendous deliverance came over me. The oppressiveness was gone; the questions had vanished. I was free, and the vision of the national ministry God had given me was central in my thoughts again. I read Psalm 107:20: “He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.” That was it! I can’t start doubting something I know to be true.
An evil spirit was attacking my mind and preventing me from believing the promise of God. I asked God to help me, and He set me free.
That mind-binding spirit attacks many today. They know what God wants and are eager to serve. Sometimes they even announce God’s plans to their friends. When nothing happens immediately, the mind-binding spirit sneaks in. It is as if a band of iron snaps around their minds and they find it hard to believe that their dreams can come to pass. Satan whispers, “Did God really say that? Or did you just make it up?” Hold fast. If God has spoken, God will perform it. Remember that Abraham waited twenty-five years for God to give him Isaac!
True and faithful God, forgive me when I allow doubts and confusion to creep into my thinking. Those are not Your tools. Through the powerful name of Jesus, enable me to break the power of every mind-binding spirit. Amen.
You see, by living in What If land, I am bringing forth a self-fulfilling prophecy – the fact of the matter is that now I do not want another child, and am quite happy with our family as is. I can’t allow myself to doubt or believe differently to that because of what hubby and I went through previously and just because a new baby is about to be born into our extended family – I just got to believe and have faith.
That is what keeps up going through life.
P.S. I’m down to a quarter Paxil a day – I have finally done it. After fearing for so long as to what my reactions would be, on Tuesday this week I finally took the plunge and guess what? Much to my doubt and fears, all is okay. Just as it would be anyway – isn’t that amazing?