Am I good enough?

How Much for Happy
How Much for Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We have had a tough time with Baby Girl in the evenings.   She is clearly setting her own boundaries and likes to think she is the boss.   Well, she is, but hubby and I can’t have her thinking that, now can we?   Somehow, we have to keep up the illusion that we are actually in charge of our little household and family, and not Baby Girl.   If, for one moment, she thinks she is the one in charge, our lives will never be the same again.  She has boundless energy and a very inquisitive nature, she is a sensitive little girl who thrives on lots of attention and love, affection and she can be quite demanding if she does not get what she feels she needs.   So boundaries are necessary if we need to bridle some of that energy and enthusiasm for life in a way that is conforming to our family and to society – the world in which she will grow up.

I really pray for Baby Girl to grow up being a healthy, well-balanced and strong adult.

You need to be in this world of ours.  I also pray that one day she will meet the husband of her dreams, like I have, and that she will be happily married and that she will be to him what he needs in a wife, and he will be to her what she needs in a husband.

Monday night and last night was a challenge to making that a reality.  Last night she threw tantrums that would leave the staunchest WWE Raw supporter impressed and proud.  She spat, she stuck her tongue out at me, she kicked, she screamed, and wanted to pull my hair and got right into my face as if she wanted to pinch or bite me.  I’m not sure which, but I wasn’t going to wait to find out.  So, four minutes of time out it was.  In all fairness though, I do think the weekend away has tired her out a bit, and we’re all pretty crabby when we’re tired, because this behaviour is so out of character for her.  She is normally a sweet and well-behaved little girl with lots of love and affection.  We don’t react that way, even if we are tired.  Yes, I get that she’s only four – still not good enough.  Spitting and biting is just not on.  I mean, seriously, so many times I want to kick, bite and spit at the people I work with (kidding.  Maybe.  Seriously just kidding), but I don’t.  Because I know better and my mother – yes, my dear old mother – taught me better than that.

And now it’s up to me to teach Baby Girl better.

And the reason for her tantrums last night?  Is because she wanted two Fizzer‘s and I said she could only have one.

And after time out didn’t work, and me explaining to her very nicely why she can’t have two fizzers (because I said so and a sugar rush just before bed really isn’t the way to go), she still carried on.  Which then led to a spank on her bottom – which resulted in more tears and more crying and more of:

“You’re not being nice to me.”

“It’s not nice to put me in time out.”

“I want to find another mommy and daddy.”  (To which my answer always is what other mommy and daddy will love you as much as what we do?)

“You’re ugly for not giving me another fizzer.”

Bear in mind, our child is four.  So can’t wait for the teen years to come – woo hoo.

Just a touch of sarcasm there…!

And all this makes me afraid.  Very afraid.

What if she doesn’t know how much she is loved?  What if her need for affection and affirmation sends her to the arms of young teenage boys that will only hurt her?

And how do I answer the questions, “you’re not being very nice to me,” “it’s not nice to put me in time out,” etc, etc, etc.

The fact of the matter is this, hubby and I want baby girl to know her place in society, to be strong, to be healthy but also to learn how to treat people (especially her parents) and to rely on herself to get herself through life.  How do I motivate her to want to want to learn, to grow, to want to want the desire to achieve – she has so much potential and I only hope and pray that the good Lord above will grant hubby and I the wisdom to parent her in the way that will help her achieve many great things in her life.  I am scared that I am going to fail her in this.  Or that I am so wrapped up in myself, my work and my needs that I am not going to notice what she really needs.

And I already feel so bad, because come school holidays next year we are going to just put her wherever we can, just so she’s looked after.  There aren’t a lot of choices for us in that regard.  I don’t want her to feel like we’re “dumping” her wherever.  I want her to feel loved and secure.  How do I give that to her?  How to I make her want to want to achieve goodness in her life?  How do I make her want to realise her dreams?  How do I make her want-to-want to grab life by the horns and enjoy every minute of it?

Will she ever know how special she is, how your dad and I value her very existence, how she makes us laugh (and cry), how she has brought so much happiness to our lives?

And I thought, all we can do is create the environment which is conducive to her believing that, and tell her constantly the truth of how precious she is, but ultimately, and this is the scary part, the choice is up to her.  There is only so much we as parents can do – but we can love her, no matter what happens and we can let her know that we will always, always be there for her and that in itself should let her know that she is a valued individual with much to offer the world.

At least that is what I pray for.


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