Feeling a bit anxious of late…


Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

…I have been feeling a bit anxious of late.  I’m not sure why, but I suspect it has a little something to do with a looming 40th birthday coming up.  I get so nervous with birthdays of mine.  While, on one level I relish the attention and I do want to be made to feel special, on another level I just want to shun all the attention and just forget it is my birthday.

Who celebrates turning 40?  Wow – it is a big milestone.

But, I have been feeling a tad anxious and often what happens is I start to feel anxious without really knowing or understanding why.  Its like in my subconscious I am aware of this big event that is about to take place and although I can’t link the anxiety to this event, it is there nonetheless.  And once the big event has passed – like my birthday looming ahead – then the anxiety lifts and only then can I make the connection between the two.

I can’t believe I am turning 40.

And while I enjoy the celebrations of a birthday, I think I want to down play it this year.  I do enjoy being made to feel special, but I really hate all the attention and fuss.  I feel uncomfortable with it.  Last year, hubby did the perfect thing – he made the most delicious lamb chops on the braai, and my brother, his wife and my mom all came over for supper.  Hubby, if you’re reading this – that is a good way to go this year:-)!

I feel too nervous and too anxious for all this attention for a birthday that has come around waaaay too quickly.

But, I have to keep focusing on positive thinking, as Joyce Meyers says,

“You cannot live a positive life thinking negative thoughts.”

So, in essence, I know there is nothing to feel anxious about regarding my birthday – I need to put all that aside and focus on enjoying myself.  Even if it’s a big one.  And even if I do it in a quiet way.

Just an update…

I am still busy untying the knots in my string, and I am continually working on it.  Day by day – you’ll know its done the day I am back down to a normal, healthy weight.  And it is taking so long, because I keep thinking about it.  Keep analysing it.  I keep it in my mind 24-seven.  I need to just let it go – instead of focusing on my weight and the anxiety I feel, I need to focus on keeping fit and healthy, and keeping my mind busy, active and interesting.  Two very different ways of doing things – one is looking at the negative (which I am prone to do – just ask my husband), and the other is forgetting all that and pushing ahead by enjoying my life.  Easy decision to make, not so easy to implement.  Well, for my hubby maybe – not so much for me.

But, sometimes the victory is simply in not giving up (again, thanks to Joyce Meyers) and so I will continue until I get to an ideal weight and all thoughts of anxiety is totally forgotten and out of my mind.  And even then I will continue to pursue the good life, with hubby and Baby Girl in tow.

I read a lot of blogs when I have time at work and I’d like to share two posts I came across recently:

“Balance begins by knowing how you feel but not being so swayed that you are ruled by every passing incident of anger, worry or resentment.” –Deepak Chopra

Since childhood, I’ve struggled with frequent bouts of anxiety and panic.  Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if my predisposition to worry began in utero.  (As a foetus, I probably worried incessantly about whether or not I was developing properly.)  My anxiety has played such a dominant role in my life that, at times, it has become all-consuming.

But I work at it—each and every day.  Having spent the better part of my life navigating the rocky waters of my anxiety, I’ve learned a thing or two.  And although I know that there are some parts of my emotional makeup that I may not be able to change, I can—and do—view it in a more productive light.

Fact: I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.

Fact: I am not my anxiety and panic attacks.

Though I spent many years believing my anxious thoughts made up the whole of me, I have come to realize the faulty logic behind that notion: Emotions, by nature, move with fluidity—dancing in and out of the mind, carefully orchestrated by the tide that is an ever-evolving state of consciousness.  So how can any single emotion define a person?

It cannot.

I now know and expect that throughout my life, I will experience emotional ebbs and flows; some emotions will feel good, some will feel crappy and some will just flat-out trounce me.  But they are fleeting; they are not here to stay.  Emotions stop in for a visit; hang around for a bit then move on their merry way, making room for the new ones to take their place.  Just because I feel anxious, scared, or depressed in any given moment doesn’t mean I’ll feel that way forever.  It doesn’t make me who I am.

While I do still grapple with my emotional health, I know that I am making strides towards finding a greater inner peace.  I used to define myself by my anxiety.  Not anymore.  Today I see my anxious ways as part of what makes me who I am today, but not who I am as a whole.  There are many characteristics that, today, I use to define myself—and anxious is not one of them: I am kind; I am loving; I am extroverted; I am sentimental; I am blond-haired and brown-eyed; I am (sometimes) funny; I am cautious.

I am not anxious.  I am simply someone who experiences anxious thoughts on occasion.

I am many things, but I am not my emotions.

http://im-still-learning.com/2013/07/15/i-am-not-my-emotions/

And that is where I need to be.  And in order to do that, I cannot analyse every fleeting emotion and thought and cling to it for dear life, even if it means celebrating my 40th instead of wishing it away.

What I need to do is focus on enjoying my life.

And then, one of the most profound blogs I have read, is this:

The solution to a problem is not in its solving

I have been contemplating this notion for quite some time and just a moment ago, it occurred to me, that the way to transcend a problem is not actually done but the process of solving it.

I have found that the more interested I become in the specifics of a problem and the more energy and effort I put into solving it, the longer it takes to overcome.  Then, when I realize that the problem is no longer present, when it is no longer an issue, I discover that it came about not by the process of trying to solve it but by getting distracted out of the obsession of dealing with it and trying to find its solution.

This of course ties in directly with the concept that what you give energy to is what you give life to.  If you focus on a problem then you will have a problem to solve for as long as you remain focused in that direction, because that is the frequency you are operating on.

This law shall we say, is a completely practical and functional formula that works without fail, all the time and under all circumstances and conditions.  It works not by denial of a problem but from the complete removal of all attention to it.

One great example of understanding this concept was displayed in the wise words of Mother Theresa who once proclaimed something along the lines of;

“If I am asked to join an anti-war protest then I will not come but invite me to a rally for peace and I’ll be there”

http://takecareofthemostimportant.com/2013/07/10/from-problem-to-no-problem/

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