As you may or may not know, I have seriously battled with my weight since having Baby Girl. Well, actually all my life, and therein lies the issue. Before having Baby Girl, I was always worried about being too skinny. All the teasing and mind games from family and friends (well, so-called friends – just people I went to school with) convinced me that there was something wrong with me for being naturally skinny. And I could never put on weight – no matter what I did. It’s only now when I look back at photos that I realise I wasn’t too skinny – in fact, I was at the perfect weight. Which has since been confirmed with my doctor and dietitian. I am now overweight. Not grossly obese, but I do look like I’m about five months pregnant. Which when you’re not pregnant, is not a good thing. At all.
One of my very good friends battles with a similar issue, and she explain far more eloquently than I ever good the psychology of what this is all about. http://seizethechocolate.com/2012/05/munching-the-numbers/ – where as my friend’s issue was height, mine was feeling so small and insignificant and being teased relentlessly, that I just wanted to put on weight to fade into the background. You get tired of the comments and mind games with your weight after a while.
Anyway, when I fell pregnant with Baby Girl, I weighed 58 kg’s. Exactly perfect for my height and body size (I’m only a size 4 shoe). And then I fell pregnant I remember so clearly coming to the realisation that this was my opportunity to put on weight. To not have this be an issue anymore. However, that has failed miserably, because it is more an issue now than ever – you see, I should not weigh now what I weigh. It is unhealthy for me. And although I do realise that, I can’t seem to lose weight. I put this process into action by worrying about what other people think and always wanting to pick up weight, and now that I realise how doff I was being, I can’t lose weight. This is my doing – I do realise that.
Now, I can’t lose weight and I still have this internal battle – fear of losing weight, and desperately wanting to lose weight. I can’t stand seeing myself so out of shape.
So, I’m going to journal my food – I mean seriously, the only way to lose weight is to eat less. I now weigh 68 (or thereabout, I don’t weigh myself very often), but my first goal is to get to 65. When I am there, and I realise there is nothing to feel anxious about, then we’ll try get to 62.
I have already made some significant changes:
05:00 – Five slices of toast (now down to 2 slices of toast)
08:00 – two boiled eggs
08:30 – 4 Provita Sandwiches (now down to 3 Provita sandwiches)
09:00 – bowl of Instant Oats (now at about 10:00, with yoghurt)
10:00 – Fruit Juice (now drinking water – and lots of it)
11:00 – lunch: a large bowl of pasta (now half at 11:30 – the other half at 13:00 – and a smaller portion)
13:30 – Roll from Spar (now a bran muffin baked at home at about 14:30)
16:00 – Jungle Energy Bar (now a banana)
17:30 – Supper (now smaller portion – unless I’m really hungry)
19:00 – Toast (now a cup of Milo – made with water, not milk)
So, I am making changes all the time – before I fell pregnant I would eat half this amount of food. Now, I do. My first goal is to stop the toast in the morning. I want my first meal to be at work and to be cereal or the eggs and the provitas. When I get that right, then we can look at the next goal.
It’s just that besides for the mind warp I’ve put on myself, I get so hungry all the time – seriously all the time! My friend suggested more protein, which I have done (I’ve got biltong slivers at work), but I need to focus on eating less, not more.
Will keep you updated.
The Baby Mama
P.S. Any suggestions to keep the hunger pangs at bay, and to deal with this issue, would be seriously welcome.