…and tired. But, mostly just angry. I am having an off-day. Not off as in not being at work (although that would be nice), but off as in an out-of-kilter day. But that could possibly be because I am so frigging tired, I can’t think straight.
Baby Girl is not well. She has tonsillitis, an ear infection plus a possible UTI. We need to somehow get a urine sample from her, but this has proven a tad difficult to do (for moms in the know, you know the urine bag I’m talking about – now try fit one of those with a squirming, sick little toddler and you’ll understand why I have not yet been successful in this.)
But, I am not angry that Baby Girl is ill, and I am not angry that she physically fights us at 02:00 in the morning because she is in pain and doesn’t know what she wants, and I’m most certainly not angry that we are yet to get a urine sample to send off for testing. To me, these things are just par for the course in being a mommy (and Daddy, as I am sure hubby didn’t get much sleep last night either).
What makes me angry is that the one person in the world that I thought I could rely on has let me down so completely that I actually can’t even bring myself to talk to her at the moment. Yes, you know who I’m talking about. That that one person is playing mind games with me, because I want to be able to do in my own home and with my own daughter what I think is best – and that may not be the same as what she thinks. Oh, the horror… (a feeble attempt at humour given my mood this morning).
I’m angry that hubby and I are battling so financially, that I have no idea how we are going to afford all we need to this month, never mind the rest of this year. It scares me.
I’m angry that even if we lived in the same town as hubby’s family, his sister – who thinks I’m the worst thing to ever happen to that family – will never allow his parents to offer any assistance. Because it has to be all about her (this is actually a standing joke with other family members – yes, everybody sees it except the immediate family). And comments like “its okay to be poor, we mustn’t talk about it” or “hubby’s so lucky, everything just falls into his lap” makes me angry because there is no acknowledgement of where we are or how hard we are working or how much we are battling the moment. Ah yes, we just mustn’t talk about it…
I’m angry that it seems that nothing I have ever wanted or asked for in my life has ever been given to me – except for hubby (who I prayed for since I knew about prayers – probably around the age of five or six). I know that I’m sounding like a tired and emotional wreck (isn’t that what blogging is for), and I know there is nothing worse than someone with constant negativity and “weight on their shoulders” attitude, but it just always seems to me that I’m always at the back of the queue. There is a lot in saying this, which I won’t bore you with or waste your time with, but that’s how I feel and that’s how I’ve been feeling more and more of late. And I keep asking myself, why?
Why do I feel like that? Why is it that none of the children (my two brothers and I) are successful in our own rights? What is it about the way we were raised that has brought with us all kinds of baggage that has barred us from living free and successful lives? I can articulate some of our past to answer that question, but it doesn’t seem to fully explain everything.
However, one thing is for sure, I am definitely at the back of the queue in life – and in one small way I don’t mind, because I don’t want everything to be about me. But, in what is becoming rather larger ways, I do mind. Because, just occasionally (and not very often, mind you) I would actually like it to be about me. Just a little…
So, I see hubby and I fighting together – tackling our financial issues one step at a time, and working with Baby Girl and our serious lack of sleep one day at a time. More than that, we can’t do. And even as I’m typing this, I am acutely aware that its hubby and I fighting together. That we’re a team and we’re on the same side. And just that has made me realise just how very blessed I am.
The Baby Mama
I actually don’t want it to be about me (having had more time to think this through), but I do want the freedom to do the best for me and my family, whether financially, emotionally and with the loving support of friends and family. That’s all that I really want.