…a mommy. Even after 15 months, the thought still dances around in my brain, making me jingle with it – sometimes with fear, sometimes with trepidation for all that still is to come, but mostly with gratitude that I finally faced my fear to become a mommy. I can’t believe that the thought of parenthood literally brought on panic attacks so severe I’d have to still quietly somewhere until it passed (if I was driving, I’d have to pull over and just breath before continuing – yes, parenthood scared me THAT much). I feel amazingly blessed that I have walked the path in my life that I have walked – looking back, I realise that each nasty event that happened to me, where I’d scream to the Heavens, “Why Lord, why?” happened so that I can live this beautiful life that I now life.
Make no mistake, things are not easy at the moment. Financially, we’re pretty screwed and we’re working so hard at the moment just to make ends meet. Baby Girl is still not sleeping through and our medical aid is finished for the year and I have such bad tooth ache I was awake the whole night last night. My hubby desperately needs a new car – we bought his car second-hand in 2000, and well, it certainly needs replacing and our house if falling into state of disrepair. There is SO much maintenance that needs to be done and we don’t have the time, nor the finances, to get it sorted out. Which means that when we can get to it, well, it’ll be double the amount of works that needs doing. And this stage we can’t afford to send Baby Girl to a crèche to learn the all important socialization skills.
But, I digress…
Every night, I get into bed with the most beautiful man on the planet. I put to bed the most beautiful little girl on the planet. I get up in the morning, still half asleep, and reach over and feel hubby sleeping next to me and I am grateful that he is there. That Baby Girl is safe in her cot. That although we are still waiting for our financial blessings to come (which I am sure will come like a flood after a drought when they do come), I have been so blessed in so many ways.
But more importantly,
I am grateful for God’s grace to see me through my fear and to becoming a mommy – a decision I don’t regret for one moment making. And for constantly reminding me that through His grace, I can do all things. Even handle an infant that cried 24/7 for the first three months of her life. Yes, somehow, I managed all that. Thank God for all your blessings, for your grace and for never forgetting me.
The Baby Mama